How Being Gay Made Me an Overachiever
The enormous burden of keeping a secret
I had been thinking about writing something for Pride Month (June) this year, but got stuck mulling over different topics. Then I had one of those enlightening moments when everything came together. Something I’d been reading connected to something I’d heard on a podcast that connected to something I’d talked about in therapy, and wham! There it was, right in front of me: Little Me taking her first run on the proverbial hamster wheel.
What made me hop on that wheel and become an overachiever as a youngster? I was compensating for being a horrible person. I had a very dark secret. A secret so incredibly sinister that, if others found out about it, surely they would hate me and I would be ostracized from my small hometown in Michigan.
Overachieving was a survival skill
As a child, I didn’t know exactly what I was hiding. I just knew that I was “different,” and that being my kind of different was a very bad thing. I protected myself and my secret by constantly hustling and being an overachiever. I had to be the best at everything, and everyone had to like me. Then my secret and I would be safe.
I maintained this life approach throughout my young adulthood and well into my career in the tech world, setting high standards for myself and then striving to go beyond them. No matter how successful I appeared to be on the outside, deep down, I rarely felt satisfied.
Identity crisis
When I was laid off from my job last year, I felt like my life was over. I had a huge existential crisis. Who was I without my work and the driving force behind my productivity? How would I stay on the hamster wheel? How would I prove that I was still a good person?
Light bulb moment
Losing my 40+ hours per week job abruptly threw me off my hamster wheel. Suddenly, I had space to contemplate things other than my work, and I made some important realizations.
I understood that, even though my secret hadn’t been a secret for many years, I’d still been overcompensating to prove my worth in an attempt to make people like me. And most importantly, I realized that life as an overachiever was exhausting.
Pride
I’ve been without a job for about a year now, and am continuing my recovery from my addiction to productivity. Sometimes I feel the urge to hop back on the hamster wheel because it feels familiar and safe. At other times, I feel grateful for the opportunity to live life without the constant drive to achieve.
This month, I’m recognizing the extraordinary gratitude I have for the LGBTQ+ community. I’m proud of our dedication to creating a world where people can safely be themselves. No child or adult should live in fear because of who they really are. No one’s survival should depend on overcompensating so they can hide their “dark secret.”
